Tonight’s drink of choice is the Disaronno Sour. It’s made with 50ml Disaronno, 35ml lemon juice, a teaspoon of sugar or a sugar cube, and topped with ice to the top of a rocks glass. It’s a good change from the typical.

I did something tonight that I haven’t done in almost seven years – I checked my TSP. I was pleasantly surprised that it’s growing at an average of about $275 a month, but after raising my own contributions to the fund today, it’ll start growing between $550-590 each month from now until I leave the service. It’ll be a nice little cushion upon cashing out and deciding whether or not to reinvest some of it.

Classes this term are going well. In fact, they’re just as easy as expected. I’ve been completing all of my work by Thursday of each week and then having Friday, Saturday and Sunday completely free of any homework whatsoever. This term is going to fly by fast – it already is! My next term going to be interesting as I’m taking a writing seminar called “Serial Killers in Pop Culture.” My adviser told me that it’s the most popular writing seminar the university offers because it’s largely based on watching movies, reading books, and discussing modern pop culture in which serial killers are the main theme. How could I pass that up?!

While I haven’t gotten the details yet, it sounds like my property management team is trying to put together a 5K team for the Zombie Run next month in Perry, GA. I was going to do the run last year and I can’t exactly remember why I didn’t. It sounds like I’ve been invited, and if so, I would love to join the team!

I’m really in the mood to keep writing but I’m afraid I’m out of things to write about! I can’t complain at all about how things are going. Things are on-track and life is so good right now. Of course, there are always some hiccups along the way, but resiliency is all about how you push through those barriers and continue towards your goals; short-term and long.

Am I a psychopath? The signs would point to ‘yes’. The good news for me, however, is that up to 4% of the population are as well. Here is one of the several articles I’ve read on the topic today. I chose this one to share, but all had basically the same information and facts. I would be lying if I said that I’m not at least a little bit intrigued.

A true psychopath can be very cunning. They can’t learn to express true empathy, but they are very good at mimicking emotions. Even the most experienced forensic psychologist or police investigator can still be duped.

The word ‘psychopath’ strikes fear into the hearts of many, largely as a result of fictitious caricatures in pop culture – think Norman Bates in Hitchcock’s 1960’s classic ‘Psycho’ – and as a forensic criminologist, I am often asked how you can spot a psychopath and what to do if you know one.

Well, the statistics indicate you do know one, at least one, as anywhere between 1%-4% of the population would fall somewhere on the psychopathic scale.

But that does not mean you should be scared. People fear psychopaths largely because the old adage holds true that we fear what we don’t understand. People suffering from the psychological disorder of psychopathy aren’t generally violent and certainly aren’t evil.

I’ve even wondered if I’m a psychopath; I have some of the traits – I can take tough decisions, even switching off emotions if they don’t suit my purpose. Some of my closest friends and family have asked if I even have tear ducts, and people have described me as cold, which I can certainly be. I’m bold, fearless, I certainly know what I want, and won’t let much stop me getting it – including turning on the charm if I think it will help.

But everything is on a continuum, and while I can be cold, callous, and calculating, and my self-confidence can border on arrogance, I also feel empathy. There’s nothing I hate more than bullies, and I would sacrifice my own safety to defend a complete stranger without thinking twice. If you are someone I care about there is nothing I wouldn’t do for you.

So, while I am not an all-out psychopath, I have some traits, but my empathy and compassion set me apart from those suffering from the personality disorder, as the over-riding feature that distinguishes sufferers of psychopathy is that they cannot feel empathy.

What is a true psychopath?

Hannibal Lecter (2001)

Very few people are at the most extreme end of the psychopathic spectrum; what you could call a ‘true psychopath’.

True psychopaths have a disregard for rules, poor impulse control, are often risk takers, and show a total disregard for the feelings and needs of others.

They can also be very charming, at least superficially, and are very good at mimicking emotions – so they can often fool you into thinking they are showing pity, remorse, guilt, or empathy, when in fact they are not capable of feeling any of these emotions.

This is not a choice. Their brains work differently from everyone else’s, meaning that they do not have the capacity to feel these emotions (see an interesting article on how suffers of various levels of psychopathy assess emotions in others).

I’ve met my fair share of people on the psychopathic spectrum while interviewing witnesses and family members in murder investigations and disappearances, and if you’re looking, there are signs that you’re talking to someone suffering from psychopathy.

My top 5 signs that I’m interviewing a psychopath:

1) They can’t learn to express true empathy, but they are good at mimicking emotions

Joffrey Baratheon in Game of Thrones (2013)

If you dig a little deeper and ask questions like “how did it feel when you found out she’d been murdered?” a true psychopath will struggle to give detailed descriptions of how they felt, they’ll answer with something like “it was really distressing” but won’t describe any physical response like “it felt like my heart had been ripped out”, as they have never experienced that feeling themselves. If you push them on the point, they’ll may get angry as they fear being exposed.

2) Their verbal and physical cues don’t match up

Alex DeLarge in A Clockwork Orange (1971)

Many sufferers of psychopathy are very skilled actors, and under normal circumstances can hide their inability to feel emotions well. But it’s hard for psychopaths to be convincing all the time. They know what emotion to tell you they’re feeling, saying something like “it was very distressing”, but their eyes might be clear and they will give you prolonged (sometimes almost challenging) eye contact, and their body language might be just a little too confidant, too measured.

3) They like getting in your face, up close and personal

Annie Wilkes in Misery (1990)

While it’s well-recognized that the distance we like to be from strangers is largely culturally determined, sufferers of psychopathy will breach those boundaries. A study published in Frontiers in Human Neuroscience in 2014 demonstrated that interpersonal distance preferences were reduced in individuals with high levels of ‘cold-heartedness’ (one psychopathic trait tested for) preferred shorter interpersonal distances. The authors concluded that again this was linked to variations in the structure of the brains of psychopaths, specifically dysfunction of the amygdala region, which plays a key role in regulating emotions.

4) They exude a confidence that can be intriguing, even beguiling

Patrick Bateman in American Psycho (2000)

The one thing I’ve noticed amongst those I’ve interviewed for violent crimes as witnesses (when I’ve actually wondered if I’m interviewing the perpetrator) is an almost haughty indifference to the process, as if they are playing with me. It’s all a game of cat and mouse they are sure to win (in their minds), as everyone else, including me and the police, are beneath them. I’ve seen it described as ‘amused indifference’, which has been exactly my experience when I think I’m dealing with a true psychopath.

5) They like alluding to their true natures

The Joker in The Dark Knight (2008)

I remember speaking with a young man about a gang-related murder in Melbourne, Australia, and he showed all the characteristics listed in 1-4; off camera he said things like “if I’d have killed him I wouldn’t have dumped him there”, and “you’re lucky you’re not talking to some of my old friends, they wouldn’t like to talk about this”. I felt like I was talking at a snake, a cold-blooded individual who was trying to exude power over me with vague threats hidden behind a charismatic smile.

Even though I know I’ve interviewed a number of predatory psychopaths and can recognise some of the signs, I can still be fooled. A true psychopath can be very cunning, and match that with excellent mimicking skills and the most experienced forensic psychologist or police investigator can still be duped; especially in short interactions. But the more time you spend with one the more signals they will give off.

Hint: After meeting someone you may just get the feeling that something is slightly off, even if you can’t put your finger on what. I’ve had that experience, and when it’s happened I keep my distance in future.

We still don’t really understand the causes of this antisocial personality disorder, and while psychiatrists say psychopathy can be managed or treated, it cannot be cured (for an interesting discussion of treatments and outcomes see ‘The Criminal Psychopath: History, neuroscience, treatment, and economics’ by Kiehl and Hoffman).

Xanthe Mallett is a forensic anthropologist, criminologist and lecturer at the University of New England, Armidale and Sydney

Source: Mallett, X. (2015, August 31). How to spot a psychopath. The Independent.

It feels so good to be back out and running regularly again! Tonight was one of the better runs I’ve had recently. I’m still working my way back up to the 5K distance, but for right now my short-term goal is to comfortably complete my 1.5 mile run in a decent time considering my fitness test is quickly approaching in about 3-4 weeks. I think I’m going to start running later in the evenings than I have been. I’m used to running right after work around 4:30 in the afternoon, but I think waiting another couple of hours until it cools down is going to help me drastically. Once I build up my lung capacity to where it has been in the past again I’ll start running in warmer weather, but it’s just not a good idea right now when my goal is simply to complete the distance and nothing more.

With the exception of a two-hour shift this Saturday morning, it looks like I’ll be off until Wednesday. I’ll spend the first couple of days of my long break finishing homework for this week, and then take the next few days to relax.

Keeping with the theme of feeling good…

Today was the first Saturday that I’ve worked in ages! I was alone at the office today but everything went smoothly enough for me to be able to leave about 30 minutes earlier than planned. On the way home I stopped to pick up some Not Your Father’s Root Beer. I think I mentioned a few posts ago that it was one of my new favorites. If you haven’t tried it, it’s exactly like root beer as far as taste is concerned. I also picked up a bottle of vermouth in hopes of making a martini at some point during my long holiday weekend. I’m off until Wednesday as it stands right now. Working today kinda split my long holiday weekend into two separate parts, but at least I was given an extra day to make up for it.

Tonight’s drink of choice is a glass of L. de Salignac VS Cognac. I picked up this brand new bottle a few days ago as I have never had cognac before. As I type this, I still haven’t yet taken my first drink out of the glass so I can’t yet comment on its worthiness.

Over the last year or so, I have been pretty successful at building up my home bar, although I am still lacking some tools and certain pieces of barware that I just haven’t been able to find or I haven’t thought to purchase yet. A lot of things I am simply buying as I run into situations where I need them. Having a home bar isn’t something that I had ever really put much thought into until, like I said earlier, about a year ago. It’s just not any fun having only beer or your standard vodka every time you want an evening drink. It’s just more fun to have a variety of things on-hand in case you want something different and out of the ordinary.

Update: I just took my first drink out of the glass. Since cognac is fruit-based and whiskey is grain-based, there’s a noticeable difference in notes and flavors. I’ll need to pick up a couple more bottles of cognac to compare this one to those bottles. Without another bottle to try, there’s no way to compare it to anything similar.

Happy Labor Day to my fellow hard-working Americans! I hope you were able to kick back and enjoy a well-deserved drink of your own today. If the good Lord does exist, he certainly knows how well-deserved this day is.

With the end of the day today also brings along with it the end of my Labor Day holiday break. Most everyone else went back to work today, but since I worked a full day on Saturday I was given today off as a favor. It’s well-appreciated too!

Today was a fairly quiet day. I didn’t run at all today, but I did go to the track and walk 2.25 miles instead. It was a beautiful evening and I couldn’t pass it up staying indoors and doing nothing.

Going back a couple of days to Sunday, what a treat it was to hear Ken Squire and Ned Jarrett  announcing a portion of the Darlington NASCAR race! They were in the booth for about 100 laps or so, but WOW! Talk about flashbacks!

I am kind of at a loss for things to write about this evening, but that’s not an excuse to be lazy and skip a night of writing…right? Right! So, without further delay, here are two random facts about me which I shall explore more in some upcoming posts.

1. I am an avid fragrance collector. I currently have about 160 bottles of colognes and perfumes (they’re all unisex in my book). The current value of my collection is approximately $8,000-12,000. It’s a nice little insurance policy to have. Check out my Fragrantica profile!
2. I love to read and I have a lot of books! If you’re interested, check out my Goodreads profile!

That’s it for now. Like I said, I’ll dig deeper into these things as time goes on!

Tonight’s drink of choice is a Bay Breeze. It’s made by filling a highball glass with ice, adding vodka, cranberry juice and pineapple juice, and then garnishing with something of your choosing. In my case I’m skipping the garnish. I’m alone, what’s the point?

I just finished reading a blog post that a friend of mine posted a little while ago. It got me thinking about some things that worry me about moving back to Maine in the near future. While everything is still fresh in my mind, I decided it would make a good post of my own.

Before I moved away from Maine to join the military, my life was pretty straightforward and routine. I would go to work Monday thru Friday, go out partying Friday and Saturday nights with my friends, and then spend Sunday regretting the choices I made on those Friday and Saturday nights. The thing is though – I never really had a good reason to leave. If anything, I only joined the military because I was tired of working the same job day after day without any chance of a promotion or raise. Quitting and taking another job was never in the cards because I didn’t have my degree yet, and I certainly didn’t just want to quit and go to another routine job. I really liked my life before I left, and don’t get me wrong – I still do! Sometimes though, I look back on it all and I wonder why I actually did leave. The more I reflect upon it and the more I wonder, it becomes clear that it was probably nothing more than an impulse decision I made just out of spite of being stuck in that routine I mentioned.

Leaving Maine saved me from some dangerous paths I was taking. For example, drinking too much. These days, my drinking is limited to enjoying a cocktail or a beer on the random nights that I have a craving for one. Back then, it was consistently every Friday and Saturday night and I made some pretty poor decisions as a result. This brings me to the first thing that worries me about moving back to Maine, which is slipping back into the same pattern of drinking too much on a regular basis and making poor choices because of it. Drinking is fun. Hooking up is fun. Hangovers and realizing who you hooked up with after drinking are not so fun. This is a preventable thing that can be avoided, but that means that I need to have the willpower to avoid the situations that lead to the mistakes. At this point, even eight years later, I don’t know that I have that willpower still. My family has often asked me why I don’t have plans to marry. This is one of them – I don’t have the willingness or the willpower to remain loyal to one person. I think it benefits everyone involved if I don’t get too attached to someone, marry them, and then ruin it because I made a choice that I was still too immature to make. Well, let me clarify a little – the mature decision is not to marry someone. The immature choice would be to marry them and then do something stupid afterward.

I also worry about the atmosphere of it all. You see, I reminisce A LOT. I think about the future quite often, but I spend most of my free time thinking back on what was and what could have been. This brings me back to my previous paragraph about partying and drinking. I loved the atmosphere of it all. It was a routine, but it was familiar and it was fun. Loud dance music, laughter, good friends. It all adds up to a time in my life that I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to replicate again. I know that deep down inside I’ll always be hoping to have that magic back. But I also know that most of my friends are now married, some have moved, some have matured, and all are older than they were before. These things all work against the chances of getting that magic back and being able to regularly go out and have an amazing time without any worries or cares about life. My ultimate fear is this: I’ll be anxious to go out on a Friday or Saturday night, I’ll be all ready and dressed to go, and no one will either want to or be able to because of…life. They’ll use being married as an excuse, or simply that they’re older and not into that any longer. You may not understand, but this scares the hell out of me. There is no worse feeling that wanting that atmosphere of it all and not being able to have it or live it again. It scares me beyond what words can communicate. You have no idea how much this scares me.

I am living one big contradiction and I always have. I left to get away from the routine. I want the routine back. I left because I was drinking too much. The drinking contributed to the atmosphere that I loved so much. I left because I was hooking up with too many girls too carelessly. I’ve hooked up with even more while I’ve been gone than I did while I was there. I just don’t get it even myself, and I don’t know whether that scares me or not. I would assume so at some level deep down inside, but the want and the need to have everything I once had again massively overshadows those feelings.

There are things that I am very much looking forward to upon my coming back. For example, having four real seasons. I really miss Fall in Maine. The cool, crisp air, the browns and oranges on the trees and in Fall decor, and the mood that comes with Thanksgiving and Christmas. There’s nothing like that down here in the South. There wasn’t even much like it in North Dakota when I was stationed there. It’s simply unmatched.

Another thing I’m looking forward to is the familiarity. Familiar streets, familiar stores, familiar people, and again – the familiar atmosphere.

I can honestly say with 100% certainty that it doesn’t matter how confused I am about my feelings on moving back to Maine, or my family and friends, or the weather, or anything else I think about regularly – I am making the right choice by coming back. This is beyond a fact.

I am ready.

Before each semester I browse Chegg, Amazon, and other sites looking for deals on textbooks that I need for my upcoming classes. After I’ve selected my books, that infamous question always comes up – should I rent or should I buy the books? Buying the books outright is almost reserved for the student elite these days as the prices can be well over $200 per book.

Renting is a far more attractive option, but there is a catch – you have to return them after the semester ends. Not a big deal, right? You would be surprised. Granted, they do tell you to save the box and to print their convenient prepaid shipping labels to make the process smoother, but not losing the box and then having the motivation to package the books up and ship them back out is way more work than I usually feel like doing.

Anyway, I usually do choose to rent because I always tell myself that “this will be the semester I actually return the books!” And just like clockwork, each and every time, I fail to return the books. Now, the “penalty” for this is really insubstantial as they only charge you for the actual retail price of the books in question. So there really is no penalty, just a forced option to buy it instead.

Tonight after work I sat down and actually went through each of the textbooks that I’ve acquired over the years. 18 of them to be exact. After plugging all of the ISBN numbers into Chegg, I was told that my sell-back payment would be about $260. Not bad, but I figured I could do slightly better on eBay. I posted all of them on eBay, and before I even had all of them listed, I sold two of them for a total of about $75.

The last time I mass-sold anything on eBay was earlier this year when I listed 19 fragrances that I didn’t care for or had duplicates of and ended up selling 18 of them. Hopefully I can have that kind of success again this time with these textbooks!

Sometimes I wonder if people actually understand the true nature of what an apology means. An apology is a regretful acknowledgment of an offense or failure. It is not simply a word to be used to make amends with someone whom you have had a falling out with or whom you upset at one time or another, nor should it be casually thrown in to put a negative situation behind you.

The key word above is regretful. Regret means that you genuinely feel bad about something you said or did and wish that you hadn’t said it or done it.

One thing that irritates me is when someone you have had a disagreement with, or whom you have said something to hurt, says, “well if you would just apologize we could get over this!” Or, when a third-party to the situation says, “you should just apologize to him/her and move on.”

Wait…what?! Why on earth would I apologize for something I neither feel bad about or regret doing? That’s quite absurd if you ask me!

Everything we do in life is for a reason. Sometimes those reasons turn out to be wrong when they seemed right at the time the choices were made to do them. Virtually every reason why we do the things we do in life is based on what we think or feel to be right at the time, therefore, why on earth would someone want to apologize for acting on what they thought was right? You will never catch me doing such a thing. I have made quite a few bad decisions in my life. Do I regret any of them? Nope. Do I lose sleep over them? Nope. Am I willing to apologize to the other individuals involved? Nope.

This is not to say that an apology is never needed, but it must be reserved for those instances when you genuinely reacted to a situation without thinking it through and without taking all factors into consideration and then caused hurt or harm to another person as a result. When you make any decision in life based on this, it is simply careless and irresponsible. These are the regretful actions as stated in the opening of this post, and these are the actions worthy of an apology. But when you make a decision knowing full well what the consequences can or will be, even if you make the wrong decision, for the love of God don’t apologize for it! Just accept the fact that you were wrong and tell the other people involved to get the hell over it because you did what you thought was right and there wasn’t anything else you could do.

A WordPress Daily Prompt from September 11, 2015 asked:

When was the last time you wrote something by hand? What was it?

You may remember that earlier this year I wrote about a personal friendship I recently formed with someone who lived quite far away in Canada. If you need a refresher, you can find Part 1 here and Part 2 here. Reading these posts will give you the response for this WordPress Daily Prompt. It was this person whom I last wrote a handwritten letter to, and before that I hadn’t handwritten anything for anyone in quite some time.

I am not a big believer in handwriting for the sole fact that it is truly an outdated art form. In the age of modern technology and having the conveniences of computers, tablets, phones, and word processing software always within quick reach, there is no real logic behind willingly staying behind the curve and putting yourself in a position where you are making things harder on yourself instead of easier. If handwriting a letter takes 45 minutes and typing that same letter takes 10 minutes, is it wise to type it instead and net yourself 35 extra minutes to go about your day? You bet it is.

Not to mention the age of the Internet, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and social media in general. Each morning before I wake up, Facebook sends a push notification letting me know exactly who of my friends have birthdays, recently got engaged, are getting married that day, have anniversaries, etc. Within 30 seconds, I can post the appropriate message on each person’s wall, such as Happy Birthday, congrats on your engagement, whatever the case may be with that person. After this is done, I simply start my day and no further action is required on my part, except maybe ‘liking’ the response they type later on. And because 95% of my friends list is made up of people I went to school with, it is simply accepted to be the new way of doing things.

Are there people who still do hand write things? Of course. But the people who hand write the majority of their communications are people who don’t trust or know how to use technology. Furthermore, the people they correspond with via handwritten letters tend to be of a similar age and demographic. Basically, to sum this up – older people hand write things to other older people and the younger generation are corresponding online instead. It’s simply an age gap phenomenon and nothing more. It is not a sign of negativity, nor is it a sign of hostility or rebellion against “old school” ways of life.

The majority of people in this country drive late-model vehicles, say from year 2000 and on. The majority of people in this country own newer flat screen HD televisions. The majority of people in this country own smart phones. They have adapted to the changing times. So, why should their form of communication be any different? Owning a $600 phone and paying $100 per month for the Internet means I want to make good use of those things rather than going to the store, spending 15 minutes looking for a card that Hallmark wrote, spending another 15 minutes sitting down and trying to think of something to write inside the card, buying a stamp for the envelope, and then having to make a special trip to the mailbox to send out what already has taken a ton of my day up to prepare in advance. When I buy my new vehicles, or my HD televisions, or my smart phones, I want to make good use of them to justify what I am paying for them. The same goes for the Internet – it’s simply the way to go.

When you have a generation that believes that everything should be done the “old school” way and a generation that believes the opposite, is there possibly a “right way” of doing things? No. But one thing that is most certainly unfair is when you believe the opposing generation has to change their way of doing things to better compliment how you do things. That’s just not right. Sure, hold true to your beliefs and continue doing things how you do them, but don’t go trying to guilt or pressure the other person to do the same. They already have gotten that hint, you don’t need to make it more obvious.

Lastly, Internet communication is neither right nor wrong. Handwriting is neither right nor wrong. These things are only methods of how we communicate. The physical act of putting pen to paper does not make it any more heartfelt or personal than typing that same message. The words are the same. The message is the same. The person forming those words is the same. It is simply a matter of saving time and expediting the sending of that message.

You be the judge: 30 seconds online or a week by mail? I know what my preference is!

I don’t really have much to say this evening except that it’s going to be a busy week for me. I have quite a lot of homework to finish including a major paper to write by Sunday. I also have my fitness test on Thursday morning and some meetings later on this week.

I ended up selling eight of the textbooks I had on eBay, so about half of them – which isn’t all that bad. Not sure what I’ll do with the rest. Maybe I’ll just throw them away, I can’t imagine most of them are still the current editions being used in classrooms. Who knows.

I didn’t want to go too long without making a post, so my apologies for this short and non-exciting one.

This evening was my final run before I take my semi-annual fitness test on Thursday morning. I don’t know if I have talked about this much before, but I have a recurring shoulder/rotator cuff injury (dating back to 2003) that I was on some restrictions for earlier this year until July. Once the restrictions were lifted, I was cleared to start running and doing my normal workout routines again, but after taking 3-4 months off for physical therapy and rehab for the injury, it was a little hard trying to build my way back up to the minimum standards I have to meet. Luckily for me, this year I turned 30 and that puts my into a new age group in which I will be scored for my test.

In previous years, my 1.5 mile run time had to be 13:36 or less, my 1-minute push-up requirement was 33, and my 1-minute sit-up requirement was 42. In my new age group, the requirements are 14:00 or less for the run, 27 push-ups, and 39 sit-ups. So, a slight dip in the requirements, but not drastic.

I am pretty confident that I’ve been able to rebound from the injury (again) and I should be alright come test time in two days. My run last night and my run tonight felt great. I’ve been waiting until about 8pm to do them lately, so the temps have been cooler and the humidity has cleared away somewhat by that time. Plus, I wanted to try to mimic the temperature conditions on test morning, so it made sense to wait for cooler weather.

Sometimes when someone tries to tell you something for your own good, it’s best to shut up and listen to what they have to say and then take their words to heart and use them. Today I let my emotions get the better of me and I feel like the people I was talking with didn’t get the respect from me that they deserved. They each had extremely good points, but because I was upset and “in the heat of the moment” trying to state my case, I just wouldn’t have any of it, and I should have simply shut up and listened to them.

And for good reason. This week I failed my fitness test. Granted, it was partially my fault and partially not. I spent the better part of the last two months training my guts out for the 1.5 mile run portion of my test, and surprise, they made us run on the track instead. I intentionally tried to avoid running on the track because I do much better on the road instead – it’s better suited to me and my abilities. The track is simply too soft and it’s difficult to train my calves to run on it without injuring myself, as I have done in the past trying to do.

As stated in an earlier post, I recently came off some restrictions which didn’t allow me to do any running between April and July. It’s harder than you think to recover from that, especially as you get older. I’m not 18 anymore. It’s not impossible, it just takes longer for some people to recondition themselves.

That said, I am conflicted about what I should believe right now, because there is no excuse for not being prepared to run on all surfaces even though there are legitimate excuses about why I could not as of today. It’s my job as a leader and as a role model. And looking back at today’s conversation, that’s what they were trying to tell me – that it doesn’t matter what my opinions are or how I feel – it just is what it is and I need to find a way to get better at what the military wants/needs me to do. Basically, 42 days to recondition yourself to running long-distance is just not adequate time. Given another two weeks, I would have been fine.

That’s what I aim to do nonetheless, and that’s what I’m going to do for my next test in December. I only need to make up 15 seconds – everything else I passed with flying colors. I just hope I don’t become injured again, because I am finally at a point where I am injury-free – and that’s not a place I’ve been in quite some time. It feels good to be injury-free.

As a quick remedy to this situation, I went to the store this evening and picked up a book called “Galloway’s 5K/10K Running.” While the goal is the 1.5 mile run at this time, I feel I can still get some good tips from this book. Ultimately, I want to be able to compete at the 5K distance again, but that will take some effort in order to convince some others that I am worthy.

And they are right. Right now I am not worthy. I need to earn that trust back.

I will do that.

Today has been pretty quiet. I had Texas Roadhouse for lunch and then went out for a nice long walk of about 2.25 miles. It’s been a beautiful day and I couldn’t pass up the opportunity.

Right now I’m just doing some laundry and hanging out. I have a Yankee Candle ‘Luau Party’ candle burning and my apartment smells amazing at the moment.

Later tonight I’ll have the NASCAR Xfinity Series race on in the background while I listen to some music. Every Saturday evening from 7pm until Midnight, Q106.5 in Maine broadcasts a show online called “The Original Country Gold” which features older Country songs from the 1970s through the Mid-1990s. To me, the golden age of Country was the period between about 1989 and 1995, not surprisingly when I was most exposed to it. Hearing those songs that were once new on the radio brings back memories of my Mom who passed several years ago. Many of the songs I listened to with her growing up. At the time, there used to be a festival in my town called the “Fairfield Community Fest.” Each year at this celebration, a local Country music cover band  called “A Touch of Country” played all of the songs I still remember and reminisce about to this day. The town took a hiatus from the festival for several years and recently brought it back, but I have not experienced it since being out-of-state. Still, it would be hard to recreate the magic that it once had.

I haven’t been one to attend church on a regular basis. I can probably count on just my two hands how many times I have stepped foot into a church. But one thing that is true is that I have always found myself in a church when things in my life have been difficult.

When I went to basic training and I missed my friends and family, I went to church each weekend and it helped tremendously. When my mother passed away, I found myself back in church during the time I was home on Leave and also for several weeks after returning to my military base. Growing up, I went to church a few times with my mom. A few days ago, after struggling to get over my fitness test failure, I visited the Chaplain and spent about an hour with him, and again I was extremely relieved after the visit and felt a ton better.

But for some reason I have never been able to maintain the self-discipline needed to keep going every single week, or even just regularly. I can’t blame it on anything except pure laziness, and that’s my fault entirely.

I plan to visit a Methodist church here in Valdosta either starting tomorrow or next weekend. I can’t remember clearly, but I believe my mother attended Methodist services. I may be mistaken, but I’m going to give it a try anyway as a starting point to figure out where I best belong.

I’ve also been watching Dr. Greg’s YouNow broadcasts on a nightly basis for about the last two weeks. Dr. Greg is an ordained UMC minister in Texas and spends his broadcasts answering questions people have about religion, church, metaphysics, and other topics. Rather than preaching, he simply engages in conversation with his audience and he has answered many of my own questions which I am deeply thankful for.

My hope is that enough time has passed and that I have matured enough to where I can maintain the discipline needed to make it to church regularly. Can I make any promises? No. But if I can at least start going more often, I’ll be happy and I can continue to build from there.

I woke up today and decided it would indeed be my first day back at church. I decided to go to the contemporary 10:40am service at Park Avenue United Methodist Church here in Valdosta. When I first arrived, I was taken back by the size of the campus. It was quite large and there were many areas I was unsure about going because I didn’t know if I was even in the right place to begin with.

I asked the first person I saw where the contemporary service was being held, and he got me pointed in the right direction. I was given the weekly newsletter at the door and found a seat away from most of the crowd so I could just take it all in.

The service was good. It was communion day, so I had to get a little out of my comfort zone and make my way to the altar for the receiving of that. The praise band was surprisingly good, and overall I enjoy myself during the hour-long service.

My only complaint is that no one really took the time to welcome me or even recognized that I was new there. I figured this would be one of the basic duties of the ushers, but nope, not today.

I think next weekend I may visit CrossPointe Church instead, which is non-denominational church here in town and is also contemporary in nature. I’d like to check out a variety of churches before settling on one to call “home” for the rest of my time here.

I also found a new bible that I think I’m going to be picking up within the next week or so. I would have bought it today at the store but I wanted to do some comparison shopping online before getting it. I have three bibles already – an NIV, an ESV, and an NRSV version. My favorite version is the NIV, but unfortunately I picked up a copy meant for teens by accident. The one I’ll be picking up soon is a straightforward NIV for adults.

Anyway, it’s back to work for me tomorrow. This should be a better week as most of what has happened over the last couple of weeks with me has passed and I can begin looking ahead to better days. I feel better and I think this will be a good week ahead.

The current school term ends this coming weekend for me, but I only get a break of about a week before starting the next term on October 19th. I’m excited for the next term because I’m taking a writing-intensive seminar in which most of the homework involves reading books, watching movies, and watching television shows. That’s my kind of class!

This term was pretty cookie cutter. Luckily I only have two terms left before graduation in March. All of my remaining classes are registered and paid for, and my diploma will be given to me in March or April. I’m really excited. My school told me that I was an “advisor’s dream” because I’m so proactive when it comes to determining my schedule and getting everything registered so far in advance. Motivation to finish will do that to you!

I received a nice e-mail this morning from the Executive Pastor of CrossPointe Church:

This impressed me quite a bit since I just sent the information request last night before going to bed. I think I’ll get there a few minutes early and take him up on the offer for a quick tour and to make sure I can get a good seat for the service.

A WordPress Daily Prompt from October 5, 2015 asked:

Think of your blog as a mirror: what does it reveal? Consider your blog name, theme choice, design, bio, posts… what does every element tell you about yourself?

For a detailed history of my blog, check out this post.

The blog title Your Captain Speaks was first thought of by me back in 2007 when I first launched my blog. One of my nicknames back in high school was “Captain,” so I decided to use it as part of my title. Because a blog is mostly commentary and communication toward other people, I wanted to incorporate ‘Captain’ into a title that conveyed that I was aiming to speak at/to people. Being in a field of work that involves aviation, I thought about some different plays on that nickname and eventually thought about the common phrase, “This is your captain speaking,” often stated by airline pilots before making an announcement to the passengers on-board. I figured it was a little too long for a title, so I simply shortened it to its current form, Your Captain Speaks. It’s functional and it works.

The previous version of my blog had over 650 posts and ran for many years.  I put it to rest a few years ago and then relaunched the current version in January 2015.

My themes have always been eclectic. WordPress now offers more theme options than ever, including customization. This is something I never had the luxury of when I first had my blog, so I was limited to the pre-designed templates and the 3-5 color options they offered for each one. The first version of my blog often featured bright colors and themes, but I am increasingly preferring darker themes and tones. As a write this, I have a dark theme with orange accents and trim. I thought it was appropriate for the season.

My design is much more pleasing to the eyes now than it has been in the past. I always chose the three-column themes prior to this relaunch because I was all about having as many features and widgets as possible. Unfortunately, the more toys you put on your blog, the more work and effort it takes to maintain it all. So, for this incarnation, I decided to stay somewhat minimalist and focus on the content, not the widgets. I do plan to add a few more pages in the near future, however.

My posts are starting to become more like the days of old when I simply wanted to talk about my daily life. It’s important to me to keep the style of writing that made my blog so popular to begin with, so I am trying to avoid over-professionalizing it and turning off the original audience.

What does every element of my blog tell me about myself? Well, it tells me this: I am just as eclectic in my online presence as I am in my physical presence. #SorryNotSorry